“Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you’re allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It’s like killing yourself, and then you’re reborn. I guess I’ve lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.”
― Charles Bukowski
I have never been in a situation where I didn’t have to ask questions and wonder about much. When everything seemingly falls into place and life just seems peaceful, there is just a weight taken off. I don’t want to say perfect because there’s nothing perfect in this great big world, but there is peace and harmony. When you see the world the way that I have, you’ll understand what it’s all about. I feel unfazed by all the negativity around me because I’ve felt myself in my core. I have seen the intricate workings of the universe and felt its energy pulsating through my heart. I have felt my aura becoming one with the person that means the world to me and felt everything he felt. I have seen the way in which music changes the world, the colors it leaves behind and the soothing disturbance in the air. I didn’t think about anything for twelve hours and just felt the world swallow me whole and make me a new person. I learnt why they call it a trip; because life’s the journey and everything else is just a detour that defines your destination, maybe even alters it. I saw him turn golden before my eyes and felt the fear of evanescence for the first time in my life. People talk about understanding through eyes but I didn’t even need to look at him to feel all that he felt. To anticipate what he might do, what he wanted, what he was thinking and what he saw. I saw the world through his eyes and it was different from mine. I looked at the bigger picture of it all, he focused on the minuscule details. But the playlist, the songs were perfect and they were so articulately curated for that moment. I have seen the world, two phases over the mortal one and it’s so full of color, music and silence. The beauty of life lies not in the temporal plane but in the world above. The one where everything fits, the one where we are all one and pain can’t touch us. And even if it does, there’s always a better way to fight it.
I love my best friend and how he tries his very best for everything. I love how much he cares for and annoys me at the same time. I think we gave him a good birthday party. I think you remember last year? So much has changed since then. New amazing people and old beautiful people too. I want to talk about everything. About perfect kisses, being a family, getting ‘Accidentally High’, ‘the hot tub is too hot’ ‘I TOLD YOU DIDN’T I??!!”, “Well go enjoy your single life.” “THAT’S WHAT YOU TOLD ME!!!!!”, ‘There’s always a way.” “I’m too short.”, stolen kisses, perfect, silky hair and “BITCH YOU SCRATCHED ME!” I am sorry if none of it makes sense but it was all about sleeping all day and living a sort of teenage dream in the 60’s. It was about the smell of home and the warmth with which he engulfs my tired soul. It was about a girl with incredible strength who gave me unadulterated love without any thought. It was about eating a meal a day and not even caring. It was about walking in the snow even though it’s April and it should be warm now. It’s about sleeping in the living room and watching night turn to day. because what could be more beautiful than that? It was about being a harmonic tangle of legs, hands and numbness. It’s about feeling happy without having to try it and just feeling like you belong. It’s about someone who understands you so well that it overwhelms your tattered heart. It’s about meeting new people who just warm up to you. It’s about going low in my best friend’s living room with a new friend, who feels like I have known her for too long anyway. It’s just about all the small things in life that we forget about because we are so worried about the future. I think I’ve realized that I am happy with people rather than a new place; they have so much to offer to my mind. I love my friends, those that stay up and almost make me miss my flight with their laziness and those that hold my hand and make me feel so unapologetically happy.
I suppose I sound like an over excited little girl but I haven’t been able to write much of my old type of poetry; he’s made me happy and that’s all I can write about. He makes me hate myself a little less, stand up for myself and be comfortable in my own skin. And the way he looks into my eyes, I have never had someone look at me like that. There’s so much purity and peace in his eyes, as he bites my nose off and I tell him that I’ll fold him and take him home. I know I sound terribly sappy but I feel so different from anything I’ve ever felt and its kind of really nice. I am tired at times but I can’t help but smile at how light I feel. Readers, I saw the world and it was so much more different than I’d imagined it to be, It has so much more life than I ever thought I’d see. I dreamt in colors that I didn’t know existed. I drop him off and watch the cab leave and the sadness fills my chest up so suddenly that I can’t breathe and there are no tears in my eyes.
“The minute I sat in the cab, I knew I should have taken you with me.”
“You should have asked me to come with you in the cab.”
“I knew you’d have come if I had asked.”
“I don’t think you knew. That’s why you didn’t ask.”
“No, I knew you would come. That’s why I didn’t.”
Life’s quite mysterious in the ways it works and maybe for once, I won’t question all that I am receiving and cherish it with all I have. I hope you understand that in my whole life, I have always had a deep, unsettling sadness and maybe these five days have made me see past all of it and come to terms with everything. I hope you can come to terms with yourself too, it’s quite difficult but necessary. Until next time, Readers.
Waking up to you
Is a luxury I crave.
Why are you so far?
GreekGeek 